STAR FECK: Blow where no man has Blown before (sci-fi Prog)

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen and future space cadets to Inter-Galxo

Tours! Thank you for booking with Galactic Tours! A pleasure to have

you here on board our excursion to the stars.

Rest assured that, unstintingly, we of the Empyrean Floatilla ( and

Delicio Anchovy Packing Corp.) have spared no expense in making your

stay upon Spaceship Knickers as comfortable as possible.

The atmosphere of all cabinets is so regulated that, by gradual and

inappreciable degrees, over the length of our journey it will

approximate that of our planetary destination.



May I take this opportunity to state that our journey's end will be

in the Surreal Nebulae on Planet WiltonGrenvilleDalby where we shall

take in the event of the decade, the Concert-of-Al-Concerts at the

newly-constructed RoundHouse # 3745.

Those of you who, by bad hap, have accidentally wandered into the

wrong vessel, please to report to the "Processing Dept" where your

concerns will be promptly put out of your minds.



Soon you will be assisted to your banquet seats and our select

android waiters will be serving the first course of todays wonderful

cuisine.I need not remind you to be sure to make most of the

opportunity of greasing the zealous waiter's palms with appropriate

gratuities.



The holographic-flick of the day is the classic drama "Feckin'

Emmerdale Farm". After the film, ice cream will be served. "The

flavor of the day is strawberry."



Enjoy your meal, and should you require assistance towards the

gravity-latrines, the waiters are but a finger's-snap away.



At this juncture, I have a notice or two which may warrant your

attention:

1/Bearers of Trans-Cosmos Insurance Corp. policies, please be advised

that, as of 00:32 this sidereal day, said establishment has gone

bankrupt. Unfortunates holding this policy, please to file

peacefully at Expulsion Tube # 4 whereupon you will be transported

to

Planet Savagery off the Greater Concourse of the Vagrant Cosmos.

2/Those who carry Omnipresent Imperial InterGalactic Currency of the

old magnetic variety, be warned that ,upon our spaceship encountering

Space-Curtain Mega-Force-Vector 12AlphaCornholio, the automatic

sensors in your chambers will sound warning. You will have one minute

to empty all pockets of said currency and promptly place them in the

appropriate "safety conveyance chute". Failure to comply will result

in said currency undergoing quantum co-valent vibrational bond spin-

flip in perpendicular planes with the resultant boring of a hot

channel through your torso.

We regret to inform that we of Galactic Tours are nowise to be held

responsible for any concurrant monetary loss.



3/It is our policy to free those enjoying the services of Galactic

Tours of any misapprehensions. Yes, it is true that instead of the

conventional warp-drive engines, this spaceship is equipt with Track-

Drive.

No, the rumour you have heard going about is NOT true: you are NOT

required to use up the remainder of your bar credit units within the

next half hour. No, the Regulatory Officer is NOT about to shut us

down.

And ,finally and most emphatically, NO! This spaceship is NOT in fact

heading for Sluaver, FactoryWorld in the Tring Planetary system!



And now, seeing as the spaceship has just entered the planetary

orbit and the glass-shard rings, of Utropia, it is of paramount

importance that, in order to effectively fuel our select Track-Drive

engines, we...

load propulsion batteries with any UFo/space-theme/future world

prog/psyche song track titles that we can think of.



Thank you for your time and enjoy the trip!"

.........................

VISITORS - FLATLAND

AGATHORN - 85

HELDON - ONLY CHAOS IS REAL (SPINRAD)

GENESIS -WATCHER OF THE SKIES (CHILDHOOD'S END)

STRAWBS - GRAVE NEW WORLD

OLIAS OF SUNHILLOW

VANGELIS - BLADERUNNER, ALBEDEO...

SCHULTZE -DUNE

YES -STARSHIP TROOPERS

HAPPY THE MAN - TIME CONSIDERED AS A HELIX OF SEMI-PRECIOUS STONES

DAVE GREENSLADE -FROM THE DISCWORLD

NATIONAL HEALTH -TENEMOS ROADS (EDDISON)

SOLARIS -MATRIAN CHRONICLES

ABSOLUTE ELSEWHERE

GANDALF -TO OUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN'S CHILDREN

TERUS SYMPHONIA - DO ANDROIDS DREAM ....

DAVID BEDFORD - RIGEL 9





"Warning Will Robinson! We need more power! Dr. Smith's burning

carcass just wont suffice!"



"Ah'm dooin' t'best ah can, Captain! The Trackdrives cannae take noo

mair! Were alreedy usin' oop our last resarve o'Randy

Holden's "atomic chords" frae "Fruits & Icebergs" track

offa "Population II" lp."



"Snotty, Quirk here. By God, throw in the lot! Just get me the power

I need to free the ship of these kling-ons!

Jones! Off your khazie and up to the Bridge this instant! My wanger

is jammed in the whatchermacallit along with my 8 track

of "Transformed Man". "



"Snotty here! Righto Captain. Ah'll gie it a go. Ah reckon' ah'll ha'

dem engine's hummin' like nae one's business, quicker 'en that coont

Crock can jerk arf onna pitcher o' an Aberdeen Angus. Quicker'en

Zulu can shoove a wodge o' koak oop his snorker. Sooner than

Owhoora can swaller pizzel o' twelve owsen in a pleugh.Faster 'en... "



"Dammit Snotty! Just shut the feck' up and start feeding the Track-

drive,alright! "



"Ah'm onnit, Captain!" ( Buggeration, ah shoulda list me pappy yonks

ago an kept tae t' awld croft inna heather.)"Here goes. Vambo help us

all!"

ORME - FELONA E SORONA

NECTAR -RECYCLED

WAKEMAN - SPACE ODDITY

SAVAIN - WAITERS ON THE DANCE (his first book)

GLASSHAMMER -PERELANDRA

STEWART HAMM - RADIO FREE ALBEMUTH

MORAZ - I (well, it aint no Eugene Zamatin's We".)

GONG -those damn pot-headed space pixies

MOODY BLUES -HIGH AND HIGHER

MARKETTS - OUT OF LIMITS

PARSONS - I, ROBOT

RALPH LUNDSTEN - ROBBIE IS DOING THE WALTZ

VDGG - THE PIONEERS OVER C





Stardate 133.45.35



Snotty: "Its noo use ,Capt. The apathy herebouts be altogweafer

bleedin'appallin'. If ah dinnae git mair tune titles tae

power me Trackdrives, we shaa be forced tae gang use t'

bicycle pedal-Drive."



Captain Quirk: "And whats wrong with the good old pedal-drive, man?

If it was good enough for my old man, its good enough

for the Starship Knickers. Really Snotty! Sometimes

you put too much emphasis on all these new-fangled

techno doodahs."



Captain Rim T. Quirk (aside): "Gentle there ,(Booty) Jones!

Thats my whanger your attempting to pry out

of that gizmo, not your mid-day meat-roll

snack."





Dr. McJoyboy: "Rim, I'm a doctor not a...."





Quirk : "Snotty,you damn well give me more power

from them babies or I will bloody well put

an end to your whisky trysts with Jerkhov."



Snotty: "Aye,aye Capt. I hears you loud an' weel.But ah warns

ye, push me dharlins any mair an' soon Starship Knickers

juist micht becum "Balloon Burning". Scottie oot!"



Quirk : "Analysis, Mr. Crock?"



Crock : "Fascinating, Captain. Illogical as it seems,Engineering is

correct. If we dont get any more UFO/future-world/space

prog-psyche track suggestions soon, the proverbial jig will

be up. We need tracks to feed the TrackDrive else pressure

gradient deflections with resultant Coriolis effect jimjams

will cause..."



Dr. McJoyboy: "Can it,Crock, you emotionless diode with fake ears! If

I wanted to listen to vapid rambles I'd tune in Cathy

& Regis."



Quirk: "Thats enough ,Jones, or I will suspend your D-cup priviledges

with Dr. 'Points' Chapel. If your finished with that whanger,

you can shift your ass back to Sick Bay. And thats an ORDER."



Lieutenant OhWhoreahh: "Captain Quirk, should we not be sending out a

distress call to Star Fleet Chaos-Command?"



Quirk "Guess so. Errr...and cancel that order of pepperoni and

fries. One more thing,lieutenant."



OhWhoreahh: "Yes, sir?"



Quirk (drooling) : "Could you just move those enrapturing thighs of

yours just so. Ahh, perfect. So beautiful!"



Zulu : "Captain! Foreshaft TrackDrive engine just done a dead parrot

sketch on us!"



Quirk: "OhWhoreahh, connect me to the crew and passangers."



OhWhoreahh: "Awaiting your message, sir."



Quirk: "This is your captain speaking. All sub-catagory ten officers

report immediately to Transporter Room. Take your most precious

belongings.

Guests of InterGalactic Tours, errr...unless we get some

track suggestions pretty damn quick, I regret to inform you

that we will be experiencing some rather bothersome ill-

effects. Strap on your life-preservers, and, when Necessity

demands, BAIL OUT!"



Mr. Crock: "Illogical ,Captain. You speak as if Starship

Knickers is plying the Salty Main of yore."



Quirk: "Dammit, Crock. Just what do think our cargo is? I will

tell you what, Sunny-Jim. A load of stone-hippies and

electric gypsies on their way to the new Roundhouse

to watch bloody Arthur B.! They are drugged out of

their minds! Do you think they know the

difference between the Titanic's bleeding life-preservers

and a Twinky? I bet half the lot of them think they are on

the bleeding Love Boat!"



Snotty: "Engineering here!"



Quirk: "What is it ,you old heathen?"



Snotty: "Ah'm feeding me wee babies now. Brace yersells. Here goes!"



SENSATIONS FIX - SPACE ENERGY AGE

NATAKARAVAN - MICROPROCESSOR

BLACK SABBATH - INTO THE VOID, PLANET CARAVAN

JON & VANFGELIS - MAYFLOWER

HILLAGE -UFO OVER PARIS

ROBERT SCHROEDER - GALAXIE



.................